Redlight, Flashlight: The Biggest Penis I've Ever Seen

Now that I've gotten all of the small penis stories out of my system, it's time to talk about some of the biggest ones that I've seen. It's no big secret that my butt has done more laps around the African-American block than I can remember, but some of the biggest penises I've seen in both length and girth were not attached to black men. Although I prefer a man with a penis too large than too small, having a big penis doesn't always mean I will have a good time. I think we all know what happened to that one guy who had sex with a horse.

When I first started going to bars, I was exposed to more older men, which meant I was exposed to a lot more tops. For some reason a lot of men that I know start off as a bottom when they are younger and transform into a top as they grow older. I can't say the same thing will happen to me. In fact, I know it won't. Either way, I remember going to the bar on a few occasions and seeing the same middle eastern gentleman every time. At first,  I would pass by him and he would give me a stare letting me know he noticed me, and then some. I never really had the courage to ever go up to him because he looked mad all of the time. One day, I was in the bathroom washing my hands and he happens to exit the bathroom stall. This would have been the perfect opportunity to fart and blame it on him, but unfortunately my stomach was behaving himself that day. I look at myself in the mirror and notice him staring at me, waiting to wash his hands. As I finish rinsing my hands and step over to the air dryer he begins to speak to me.

"I think I see you every time I come here." he said.
"Yeah, I'm sort of an alcoholic." I told him. Luckily, he laughed.
"Well, you're young. I'm sure you just like to have a good time." he said.
"Yeah, that is true." I said. I wanted to remind him that nights and weekends were more about having a good time. We were currently attending happy hour at 6:30 PM, which is for alcoholics, but I didn't want to make it seem like I was currently on step one of the Alcoholics Anonymous program.
"I'm Mustafa." he said, introducing himself. Mustafa isn't his real name, but for the sake of legal reasons, this is what I'll call him. It also helps that he looks like a Mustafa, not to mistake him for Mufasa on Disney's The Lion King. 
"Nice to meet you. I'm Caesar. Feel free to say your jokes now." I said. He laughed even though I wasn't joking.
"That's a cool name. Your parents must have been proud to have you." he said. I felt like this was going to go nowhere fast, so I decided to wrap things up.
"Well, who knows." I joked. "I'm gonna go back out. I'll see you out there."

As the day went by and I continued to drop back one long-island after another, I was causing a raucous with my friends, but he stayed alone by himself. I wanted to invite him over, but I had a feeling there was a reason why he was alone. I saw him getting up and walking towards the exit, which was also in my direction. I didn't want to stare at him and make it obvious that I was interested, but I think at this point we both knew we wanted each other. However, he walked out of the bar and didn't even look at me. I was all excited, expecting a number or a wave goodbye, but he didn't even stare at me. I brushed it off my shoulders and continued to make a fool of myself at the bar.

A few days passed and I went to the same bar each day, but hadn't seen him there. At this point, I'd forgotten about him and wasn't expecting to see him any time soon. However, one happy hour evening, I had already had a few Vodka-Sprites and suddenly I noticed Mustafa had been sitting at the bar. The amount of time he had been sitting there was beyond me, but I'm sure it was enough to know I was an annoying drunk. I didn't want to go up to him, because I was too scared of rejection from being such a mess. At one point, however, he went to the bathroom, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to try to make him talk to me by following him in. I go to the bathroom and pretend to pee in the urinal next to a middle-aged white man. I think Whitey noticed that nothing was coming out of my penis so he probably thought I was trying to take a sneek peek at his peacock. I was hoping Whitey would pivot away so I can say, 'don't flatter yourself.' I go over to wash my hands and deliberately take a long time to allow Mustafa to come out while I'm still rinsing. Finally, Mustafa comes out of the stall and I immediately had a smile on my face.

"I think I'm having Deja Vu." I told Mustafa. He chuckled.
"I knew I'd catch you here." said Mustafa. "Do you not work?"
"I work 9 to 5 and go to school so I try to get drunk early so I can pass out early." I answered.
"I used to do the same thing when I was young." he said. "Are you going to be here all weekend?"
"Probably." I answered. "But not this early. Are you?"
"I don't think so. I usually just stay at home on the weekends." He answered.
"Boring!" I attacked. "Someone's getting old." He laughed but I can tell he was slightly offended. "Do you wanna go see a movie this weekend? I promise all you have to do is sit down for a couple of hours and keep your eyes open." He laughed and started to pull out his phone.
"Yeah," he answered. "I think I can do that. Put in your number." I gave myself a hi 5 in my head and dialed my number on his phone. "I'm just about to go home right now. I'll give you a call on Saturday to see if you're still alive." I smiled and wanted to rape him right then and there.
"For sure." I responded and left the bathroom.

He calls me on Saturday and asks me if I wanted to see Clash of the Titans, which is something I felt would be much better if I didn't have to pay for it. I asked him if he wanted to see Date Night because you can't go wrong with Tina Fey. He told me he didn't really want to see it, but said it was okay we watch it.

"You owe me one." he said. I got a little excited since sex is always an acceptable offer for almost any occasion for gay men. I was just hoping he didn't want me to perform fellatio on him during the movie. I wasn't kidding about wanting too see that movie. If I really wanted to have sex during a movie, I would have been more than happy to buy tickets for The Last Song since I would have gotten something out of it.

It turned out Mustafa actually liked the movie and I told him "You're welcome." After the movie, we went straight back to his place because neither of us wanted to waste any time. I remember making out on his bed and feeling something unusually big, but I kept telling myself that it was probably just something in his pocket or that's just how his jeans are. He started to take off my shirt and usually I do the same for the other guy right after, but Mustafa was Iranian so I was expecting him to look something along the lines of Chewbacca from Star Wars or, worse, Cousin It from The Adams Family. He took off his shirt sooner or later and I was relieved to find out he actually waxes most of his body.

We got into a position where we were both laying on our sides facing each other. I was already fully naked minus my socks and I was helping him take off his pants. We were making out with each other while I was doing this, so naturally I had my eyes closed. Even if I had them open I don't think I'd really take the time to kiss and sneak a peek, kiss and sneak a peek, kiss and sneak a peek. As soon as he was as naked as I was, he rolled me onto my back and laid on top of me. As soon as he did this I felt his penis against my butt cheeks. The only way I can describe it accurately is by saying it felt like there was an industrial-sized flashlight trying to work its way inside me. At this point I couldn't blame his jeans or anything inside his pocket, unless he was half kangaroo. But since that wasn't the case, I really had to see what was going on down there. I decided to roll him over onto his back and prepare to perform fellatio on him. I started to go further south and when I reached his chest, with one hand I reached for his penis to begin stroking it. As soon as I got a hold of it, I felt like trying to put my fingers around a bottle of Skyy vodka. I still hadn't seen it yet, but I knew by this time I wasn't dealing with just any man. I reached my final destination and couldn't believe what I saw when I finally got the chance to look at it. I felt like I was staring at a python just when it's about to attack you and eat you whole. I performed fellatio on Mustafa for a little while and then had to get something off my chest.

"Where do you plan on putting this?" I asked. Mustafa laughed, which is a lot better than his member coiling around me and crushing my bones.
"I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to." Mustafa reassured. "I don't usually go all the way because I've only met a handful of guys who have been okay with it."
"How thick is it?" I asked.
"About five-and-a-half, six." He answered readily. Obviously he had been asked this question many times before.
"Wow. I'm pretty sure I haven't had anything that thick." I said.
"Do you wanna try it?" He asked. I felt like if I said no I would be saving myself from a lot of pain and suffering. I never planned on having a baby, but I imagined Mustafa's penis would give me the closest experience of it. If I said, yes, however, I was scared that my anus would never be the same. They say after a woman has a baby, her vagina never stays the same. I felt like after letting Mustafa penetrate me I'd have to constantly keep looking for penises of similar girth. Soon enough I'll have to resort to fisting or move to Amsterdam so I can attend fisting parties. But frankly, this seemed like an opportunity I didn't want to pass up, painful or not.
"Yeah, we can try it." I affirmed hesitantly as if I were a boy being invited for a slumber party at Michael Jackson's house.

We started to get down to business and like the gentleman I've never had, he started off slow. It didn't really matter how slow he went because it wouldn't have prevented any pain from happening. I don't think a thick penis will ever amount to the pain of a long penis. If there were any lesser of the two evils, taking a longer penis is definitely less-damaging than a taking a thicker penis. Even though I was on my back, just lying on the bed, I started to sweat on my forehead. Never in my life have I been in so much pain. I felt like he was inside me for years. Every thrust felt like he was expanding my rectum like a balloon. At one point I wondered how long it would take for me to become double-jointed at the pelvis.

He decided to put me out of my misery and allow us both to achieve ejaculation via handjobs since he would have to thrust faster in order to ejaculate inside me. After we both climaxed all over each other, we got up, took a shower, and laid next to each other for a while. We didn't say anything to each other, but sometimes it's nice not to hear someone talk after a while.

"I better head out." I told him suddenly.
"Okay." Mustafa responded. "You can return anytime you want."
"I think I'll have to buy some large anal beads first." I joked.
"It wasn't that bad, was it?" he asked. "You seemed fine."
"Well I held back a little." I answered. "I didn't want the neighbors to call the cops. Have you seen my panties?" He pointed over by his dresser where my boxer-briefs were and started putting on my clothes. When I picked up my skinny jeans, I noticed a brown bottle with a liquid inside. At first I thought maybe he was a pharmacist and brought something home with him, but then I thought maybe it was an illegal drug I haven't heard of yet. "What's this?" I asked.
"Oh, hey, where'd you find that?" He asked. He seemed a little happy I found it.
"It was under my clothes." I answered. "What is it?"
"It's amyl." he answered. "You inhale it and opens up all of your blood vessels to make your muscles relax. I was actually looking for this so you can have some."
"So this would've made everything feel better?" I asked.
"Yeah, pretty much." He answered.

I was pissed. I went through what felt like hours of being in labor just so this guy can have a limited amount of pleasure inside me and what did I get out of this? A fuckin' hand job! I could have gotten one of those in a bathroom stall! The whole time he had this secret potion to magically stretch out my asshole and I couldn't even use it?! Ugh... The bottom line of this story is that I need to buy some amyl, buy a bottle of wine, and lock myself in my room for the next year or two.

Unifinished Business: I Come And They Cum A Minute Later

When I was a little girl, I saw an independent film about a woman who gave up on love and lived off of one-night stands. She had gone through so many men in her lifetime and one day, when she thought she found love, she wanted to treat him differently. She loved the way this one guy  made her feel when he called her on the phone or told her how beautiful she was. She was always smiling around him and had plenty of opportunities to have sex with him, but every time he tried she would deny him. She wanted to make it special so she decided to put off sex. When she finally decided to have sex with him, little did she know that the man she became so in love with turned out to be a one-minute man. I never understood what the problem was. She was having sex with a very attractive man. What was her deal?

Now that I am a grown woman I understand what she went through because I've experienced it firsthand. Having sex with someone is about more than just climaxing. It's about the flirting, the foreplay, and even the dry humping. When I have sex with someone, I don't expect them to make love to me. I expect them to treat me like a piece of meat. Get in, get out, and get on with their lives. Hoping that the 'get in, get out' part is around 6 to 10 minutes.

There are two things that I hate during sex: talking and rapid climax. At least with talking, I can still enjoy the intercourse with the small price to pay of hearing someone ask me something unimportant like, "you like that?" or "where are the condoms?". However, with rapid climax, it's just wam, bam, thank you ma'am. It's like they get a few thrusts and ejaculate and I haven't even started touching myself. What's even worse is when someone penetrates me, pulls out, and ejaculates all over my stomach and chest. Well, now it's time to get this premature ejaculation business off my chest! Literally...

It's one thing if I'm at the mall with some guy and we go to a fitting room and have a quickie. Fine. I don't expect a man to take his time during that situation. We can definitely shave a few minutes off of foreplay time. But if I'm going home with a guy or I'm spending the night, I expect it once before we go to sleep and again when we wake up. And I expect it long and hard! No pun intended. At the same time, I don't expect a man to take hours either. I once had sex with a porn star and after what seemed to be like 30 minutes of intercourse, I decided to just cum all over myself and throw in the towel. I must admit, however, that I'd rather go through that situation again, then through the sixty-second situations I've had already.

I remember sitting in my college dorm room looking for sex on Myspace and came across a profile of a Mexican guy. For the sake of anonymity let's just call him Victor Cruz. Victor was a very good-looking guy and for some reason the one thing that stuck out the most about him were his eyebrows. They weren't too manly to the point where they were replaced by tattoos and they weren't too feminine to the point where they looked like upside down check marks. It's so annoying when a man's eyebrows are so groomed that it looks like he has the letter M on his forehead. Anywho, we talked for a bit before meeting up and he told me about his boring life and showed me a couple of interesting photos. He didn't have the best body, but he was still a strong, husky man, which I still appreciate. When we met up, we ended up watching TV for what seemed to be like a lifetime and a half until he finally laid my head on his lap. He worked his hand inside my pants and at that point I knew it was time. I started to undo his pants and give him head and I swear to god, I've never given head for so long in my life. I took this time to try new things and get creative. I went in different directions and at different speeds. I tried some maneuvers that I'd seen in porno clips and even tried a technique from a woman's magazine called Cosmopolitian. No matter what I did, however, he always had the same reaction. Nothing seemed to be better than anything else. Maybe I was doing something wrong. Maybe I wasn't spinning my tongue the right way. Either way, that was the last time I took advice from Cosmopolitan. After what seemed like years of giving head, he gets up to go get a condom. I decided to run to the bathroom and have a little last minute cleansing to make sure I don't smell too shitty. He comes back and sits down on the couch, putting the condom on his penis. I stand on the couch and get ready to sit on him. As soon as he's entered me entirely he says, "I just nutted." I was pissed.

"What?" I asked.
"I'm finished." He said.
"Oh," I said, obviously disappointed. He said our time together was fun and how he had a great time. I couldn't stop wondering who it was fun for or what a bad time would be like. I was pissed the whole way home because not only was I expecting a fair amount of intercourse, but the bastard didn't even offer me a ride home either. He texted me about a week and a half later asking if I wanted to pay him a visit. My response: "Yeah sure. Oh, wait. Never mind. I just came. This was fun."

Another guy that I met up with didn't even make it as far as Victor did. I never thought that would be possible, but my bad luck never fails to make miracles happen. I was on a website called Downelink which is like Myspace but strictly for gay people and by gay people I mean mostly Filipinos. I came across a profile by someone who's profile name was Dirty Dirty. Like Victor, Dirty Dirty didn't have the best body either. He was slim and fit, but his face is what really caught my eye. He had a really strong jaw line and big brown eyes. He was also very funny, which made me want to have sex with him more than just once.We met up at night where he picked me up from my house to take me to a park. I didn't know we were going to a park until I got in the car and naturally I just acted dumb as if I didn't know why we were going there. We went straight for the swings and began talking about something stupid like tampons or farts and like usual he was making me laugh. Half the time he was actually really funny and the other half I would laugh anyways just because he was cute and for some reason he liked my annoying laugh.

"I have an idea." Dirty Dirty said. "Let's play hide n seek." I was a little scared because one, I didn't exactly know where he was going with this and two, I've also suggested hide n seek when meeting up with a guy, but that was because I wanted him to close his eyes and count to thirty so I can run back home.

"Okay," I said. "but you're it!" I didn't plan on running away from him, but I didn't want karma to bite me in the ass that night.
"Rock, paper, scissors." Dirty Dirty negotiated.
"Fine." I agreed. Of course I lost. I went to a tree and started counting facing the tree, but by the time I got to nine, Dirty Dirty started kissing my neck. What a dirty, dirty trick he played. He unbuttoned my skinny jeans and took them off pretty easily. Either he has a few pairs himself or he's had other bottoms who wear the same jeans. Either way I wanted to know his secret because even when I'm sober I spend way too long taking off my jeans after a long night out. Anywho, he started rimming me for a while and I decided to return the favor by going down on him. Luckily, I didn't have to spend time making him erect. I heard him moaning like crazy and thought to myself, "man, I am doing a damn good job this time around." And then he came in my mouth. Not only was I pissed for not getting penetrated, I was disgusted by the salty taste of his cum in my mouth. I don't know about you guys, but having cum in my mouth tastes like someone just blew their nose in my mouth, using my tongue as a tissue. I spit out the cum and stayed bent over because I thought I might throw up.

"You're really good at that." said Dirty Dirty.
"I would have appreciated a little warning." I said. I spit out what I could of his remains inside my mouth and started picking up my pants.
"I thought you knew I was cumming." He said.
"I just thought you were loud in bed." I responded. I started walking away. Luckily, home wasn't far away.
"Where you going?" he asked.
"Home!" I screamed.
"You want me to come?" He asked.
"You already did!" I yelled. I never saw Dirty Dirty again, but he did message me on Downelink a few times after that, asking if we could arrange another meeting. I sent him a link to a page on how to exercise kegel muscles and he asked me what it was. I haven't communicated with him since.

Despite the lack of sex from the two stories above, nothing was worse than my most previous story about rapid climax. It doesn't involve one, but two men! No, it wasn't a threesome, but that would be funny if we were all getting hot n heavy and they both came at the same time while I was barely getting warmed up. Even funnier, if they had made each other cum while I was barely taking off my clothes or something. Anywho, I was having a night out on the town and wasn't drunk enough to find a man to take home from the club. I ended up taking two ecstasy tablets throughout the night, which resulted in me leaving the club very horny. I immediately started going on Grindr to look for sex and was surprised at the amount of men who were up looking for sex and hadn't even been out partying like me. I found one guy who looked pretty husky and I began entertaining myself with the idea of him picking me up and throwing me around. Husky wasn't too far from the club so I was there within ten minutes. When we met up, he was a little fatter than I expected but I was in no position to turn down sex at this point. We started getting to business and before you know it, he was getting up to go get a condom. After putting on the condom and lube, he penetrated me slowly and took long pauses. At first, I thought maybe I farted on accident and didn't feel or hear it, but then he began to go a little faster.

"I'm gonna blow." said Husky.
"Wait!" I exclaimed. I put one of my feet on his chest and gently pushed him off of me.
"What's the matter with you?" He asked, a little surprised at my reaction.
"Sorry." I said. "I wasn't ready." Husky penetrated me again and went just as slow as before. At this point, I wanted it to end since I probably would have had a better time having sex with a tiki torch. I felt like the sex wasn't going anywhere.
"Here I cum!" he said. Then he had some sort of climaxing seizure and laid on top of me. I asked him to get off so I can get dressed and get the hell out of there. "You don't want to stay the night?" He asked.
"Nah, I gotta get going." As soon as I left his house I went back on Grindr and within seconds Husky messages me again.
"Seconds?" He asked.
"No." I responded. "I already wasted sixty with you." I blocked him and haven't spoken to him since.

Soon after, I found another guy who was looking for sex who was right around the corner from Husky's house. He gave me his address and I made my way over. I told him I was outside and when he answered the door, I noticed that he had a white substance on both corners of his mouth.
"What's on your face?" I asked.
"Oh, that's probably the speed." He answered. Talk about a great first impression. I must admit I was a little happy to hear that he was under the influence of something because it gave me hope that it would prevent him from ejaculating so quickly. He led me up to his room and neither of us didn't want to waste any time. We were maybe 2 minutes into foreplay and already I was asking him to get a condom. He put on the condom and applied the lube and I began to ride the shit out of him.

"Blast off." He said.
"What?" I asked.
"I just came." He responded. I don't know if I was more mad that he came so unexpectedly without a moan or the fact that he said 'blast off' after he ejaculated. At this point, I was so furious that I just wanted to go buy a vibrator and lock myself in my room for the rest of the week.
"You've gotta be shitting me." I said. I started to get up and get dressed.
"What's wrong with you?" asked Speedy.
"Nothing's wrong with me. You're the minute man." I answered.
"What's that?" he asked. At this point I was halfway down a flight of stairs.
"Google it!" I yelled.

Holy Shit: Shitting After Sex

Ever since I moved to Sydney, I've befriended more men that are tops. In fact, I only have one friend here that is a power bottom. All of the rest are either versatile tops or strictly tops. As men who prefer to be tops they all have the same notion that being a bottom is simple. They think that all we have to do is just lay there and get penetrated the whole time. Well, this couldn't be any further from the truth. As pleasing as anal sex is, it comes with a great deal of stress at times, especially when done after eating Mexican food.

As a bottom, I try to be as beautiful as possible. I want to make myself seem divine, like my ass came straight out of heaven. I want men to think I fart glitter and shit gold, but obviously that will never happen. Often times during sex I find myself saying in my head, "Please don't fart... please don't fart... please please please..." and there are times that I fart, but luckily it happens after the stretching of my rectum so there is no actual noise made. If any noise is made it sounds like a hot breath hitting a window.

More frightening, there are times, when more than just a fart escapes me. Luckily, I haven't had a situation similar to a fire truck hose occur, but there are still events involving feces that leave me mortified. I've only had three major incidents like this happen. Incidents that I like to call "shit-cidents."

Shit-cident number one happened at a house party. Like every other time I attend a party, I was drunk and making a fool of myself. Not only was I being foolish, but slutty at the same time. For some reason I decide to show my slutty side more when I'm drunk. It's not that I become more slutty, because I'm sure I'm just as slutty when I'm sober, but instead, I become more uninhibited, making me less inclined to hide my sluttiness. Either way, I was talking to some Portuguese guy at the party and eventually one thing lead to another and we were naked in the bathroom. He was on his back and I was on top bouncing up and down and I suddenly had the urge to fart. Being drunk and uninhibited, I decided to pause the session.

"Hold on." I said. I waited for a fart to escape me and as it did, I felt something else escape me, as well.
"What was that?" asked Portuguese.
"What was what?" I asked. He got up to turn on the light and there it was on top of his pee pee. A ball of shit just sat there like a third testicle.
"You totally sharted on me!" yelled Portuguese. I couldn't help but laugh. At the same time, I was embarrassed and I couldn't let anybody know about this. I knew he was going to go out and tell all of his friends so I had to act quick. I ran out and started telling everyone that he wanted to take a shit and missed the toilet. I don't know if anyone actually believed me, but I felt relieved.

My second shit-cident happened in the shower after having sex with a random that I met on Gaydar. Shortly after achieving ejaculation, I decided to jump in the shower and clean the mess off of me. As I rinsed everything off, I began to rinse off the lube in and around my asshole. Like shit-cident number one, I felt a fart coming and sure enough a piece of shit fell from my asshole. Luckily, it wasn't a very big piece of shit, but it still didn't wanna go through the drain. I grabbed the closest thing near me, which happened to be a wooden stick and started jabbing at the shit. At this point only half of the shit went through the drain while the other half had just been spread throughout the rim of the drain.

"Mind if I join you?" said the man that I just had sex with. For the sake of anonymity let's just call him fire crotch. His entrance to the shower startled me. "Whoa, you ok?"

"Yeah, you scared me." I said. He grabbed the shower gel from the shower rack and started rubbing it all over his body.

"You wanna get my back?" asked fire crotch.
"Sure." I answered. With my left hand I began rubbing the shower gel on his back and with my right hand I kept trying to push the shit through the drain with the wooden stick. Finally, I managed to push most of the shit through the drain, however, there was still some shit on the stick.

"Can you hand me the luffa?" requested fire crotch. After examining the shit on the wooden stick, I realized that it was actually the luffa.

"I'm using it." I said. I managed to rinse some shit off of the luffa and I handed it to him. He began to scrub his back with the luffa and I saw him spreading some shit on his back, as well. "Let me do it!" I snatched the lufa from his hand and scrubbed the shit off of his back and quickly rinsed it off. As soon as I did that I left the shower, got dressed, and said I had to go. I never saw fire crotch again.

My last shit-cident happened at a hotel room after meeting a visitor from the bar. He and I had talked for a long time, but I don't remember what because I drank too much to have a functioning memory. He took me back to his hotel room where we had foreplay for the longest time. I appreciate foreplay because it allows me to warm up and get ready for the homerun, but if he's still motorboating my ass cheeks and I see the sun coming up, I figure the foreplay time is dragging on. We finally got around to intercourse but unfortunately it didn't last as long as the foreplay. After he climaxed, he went to the toilet to go throw the condom away and take a piss. This is when I took the opportunity to release all of the air from within my asshole so I don't feel bloated. However, along with the air that escaped me was a series of feces balls diluted in Extra-Wet Lube. I highly recommend that lube, by the way. Anywho, as soon as I felt the shit exit my body, I got up and looked around for places to hide the sheet. I threw off the first sheet and threw it under the bed. When I looked at the bed, I saw that the fitted sheet had also been stained by my inconvenient bowel movements. I took off the fitted sheet and also threw it under the bed. Luckily, the comforter wasn't on the bed while I was having sex so I threw that over the bed and started getting dressed. At this point I was still drunk from last night so my ideas were obviously not at their best.

He comes out of the bathroom and by the look on his face, it looked like he probably knew something was going on.
"Leaving already?" he asked.
"Yeah, I have to go to school." I lied. It was half true since I had school that day, but didn't have to for another 4 hours.
"Where are the bed sheets?" he asked. Shit. I had no idea what to say.
"Housekeeping came and took it." I said, finally. I'm sure he knew I was lying since I took so long to answer.
"I didn't even hear them knock." He said, looking confused.
"Me either. They just came in." I said. I sat on the bed and started putting my shoes on.
"What are you doing this week? You wanna catch up over coffee?" He asked.
"I hate coffee." I said. "I really gotta go. Call me."
"I don't have your number." he said.
"I put it in your phone." I lied. I exited the room, ran down the hallway and got in the elevator with relief. I took a good look at myself in the mirror in the elevator and told myself, "You're always gettin' yourself in the shittiest situations."

Centimeter Peter: Size Doesn't Matter... Well, Not All The Time.

When I first started dating boys, I never had anal sex with them, which I know must be a big surprise for most of you who know me. I had my first kiss when I was 17 years old and didn't finally engage in anal intercourse until I was 20 and a half years old. Between my first kiss and my first dick in my ass, I never wanted to have sex with boys and thought I would be fine having oral sex until I finally found a boyfriend. For some reason I thought saving myself until I had my first boyfriend would make me happier, but I was obviously retarded. Part of the reason why I held back on saving myself was because almost every man I met had a really huge dick. It got to the point where I was looking up male-enlargement tablets because I thought my penis size was well below average. However, I finally saw an Asian penis and it lifted the weight off my shoulders.

After I finally lost my virginity, I began making more trips around the block than the mail man. I had black men, brown men, yellow men, and men of all other colors of the rainbow. With all the sex I've had, I'd be more than happy to tell everyone that size does not matter. I've had huge black men who had big dicks and didn't even know what to do with them. Conversely, I've had men of average-penises who have showed me the time of my life. However, I have met men who are littler than average, and they also happen to be a part of the group of men I've decided never to call back.

Living in San Francisco, I had no trouble finding a man over 7 inches. In fact, it was almost as if they were the only ones I attracted. Thank you, happy hour. Since I've moved to Australia, I've been finding a fair share of well-endowed men, but at the same time, my little-penis encounters have increased since I've gotten here. The first time it happened to me was when I was at a night club, drunk, obviously, and this brown boy came up to me to dance with me. He was pretty cute and he had his shirt off so I can see that he had a nice body. I kissed him, which lead to us further making out for the next 4 songs or so. He stopped kissing me and led me to a separate lobby where people could basically do whatever they wanted. We continued to make out and he took my hand and shoved it down his pants. His penis turned out to be something close to the girth of a #2 pencil. I stopped kissing him, laughed, and walked back to the dance floor.


My second little-penis encounter happened at the same club, but unfortunately I didn't find out about his mini-me until it was too late. I remember dancing next to an attractive man in a white shirt and I was trying to get his attention. Luckily, I didn't have to do much because after a few minutes of dancing where I knew he would see me, he patted my ass. I turned around pretending to be offended and he leaned towards my ear and said, "Sorry, I can't help myself." I started dancing towards him, smiling and put my hands on his shoulders. After a few seconds, I lightly hit him in the groin and said, "Sorry, I can't help myself." I turned around and walked a few steps in front of him and continued to dance like the drunk ass I am. He came up from behind me and started grinding on me. After a while, he told me he was going home and I asked him if I could come, to which he said yes. We got into his dorm room-like apartment and immediately began getting hot and heavy. I'm not going to lie, this guy is about 6'0 and kinda fit, so I expected his penis to be nothing short of 7 inches. When he pulled down his pants, it was 5 inches. I understand that 5 inches is considered average size, but it wasn't enough for me. I felt like a porn star who gave up her whorish career for someone boring like Donald Trump.

My third and worst little-penis encounter happened at the same club as the other two, so obviously I need to find a new favorite club. I was entering the club, drunk as usual, so I felt like I was the baddest bitch in town. I had been walking past this one dark boy a few times. I can tell he wasn't the fittest guy, but he definitely had some muscle underneath his fatty layer, which I still appreciate. Back home in San Francisco, I'm so used to those ghetto black boys and associating them with big penises. I looked at this husky boy and saw exactly that. He had that confident walk and every time I passed by he cocked his head up to let me know he was acknowledging me. I wanted to giggle like a little Japanese schoolgirl every time he did it. Finally, I made my way to the dance floor and he was walking towards me. I looked at him and he looked at me. When I passed by him he gave me the sexiest smack on my ass. I'm not talking about those baseball game pats on the ass. He gave me a smack so good, it practically said, "I'm going to make you my bitch." I did my usual pre-hookup routine of dancing with him and going to his house. We made it to his bedroom, got naked and I was faced with the most embarrassing thing a man could ever have attached to his body, besides red pubic hair. I was laying on my stomach with my face looking at the head of the bed. I felt one of his hands on my my left ass cheek and with the other, he began to finger me. Personally, I hate being fingered because most guys usually go in with a dry finger and it irritates me. Before he started fingering me for too long, I asked him to stop and he said, "I'm not..." I looked back and saw that his left hand was on my ass cheek and his other hand was holding his shirt up. Obviously, he was trying to penetrate me, but was too small to do that. I asked him if he could put a condom on first so he got up to go get one. I flipped over on my back and he came back to the bed, starting to open the condom. I couldn't go through this again, so I just said, "I'm too tired for this. How about we do this in the morning?" He agreed and we fell asleep.

When the morning came, I woke up and started to put my clothes on. As I started to put my jacket on, I heard him waking up and he said "Where you going?" I told him I was going to the bathroom and he said, "Then, why are you putting on your hat and jacket?" I told him I was cold and my hair is embarrassing. Luckily, he was naked so he couldn't get out of his room. I exited his room and closed the door behind me. I saw that the bathroom was in front of me but I decided then that the best thing to do was leave. I closed the bathroom door in front of me so he would think I was inside the bathroom. I made my way to the front door and ran for the elevator as soon as I heard the door close behind me. By the time I had left the building, I get a text from dark boy saying, "You forgot to have sex with me." I texted him back saying, "You forgot to bring your penis home."

Dirty Talk: I Hate It When Men Talk During Sex

When I came to Australia I found out about this website called Gaydar, a site for gay men to meet each other so they can continue to fuck around. Like every other site for gay men, most users have photos of their private parts, which to me seems like such a turn off. I'd hate to join a chat room with one of those users and make it seem like I'm talking to two balls and a shaft. However, I must say it has quite a few attractive users. Most of which lie between the age of 29 to 45, which is fine by me because the last thing I need is another fairy my age who is just as selfish as I am. Like most old men who are planning their funeral, I tend to go after users that are definitely out of my league. I like a man with a big chest, and big arms, and a big butt to grab on to. I understand that with the way that I drink I may never be as attractive as they are, but still I continue to hunt them down.

As a bottom, one who is on the receiving end of anal intercourse, I tend to advertise my ass a lot more than I would my chest or arms. I like to believe that my best asset is my ass and it's probably the only thing I have going for me. If I was Asian, I would probably have a flat ass and be best friends with a cucumber. However, for a gay man, I seem very boring because I do not post nude photos of myself on any web site. It's not a matter of self-respect, because that diminishes every time I wake up next to a Mexican after a long day of happy hour. I believe it's more of a matter of remaining a mystery. I like men to think that when they see me with my clothes on there must be so much more to my ass than meets the eye. Truth is, I look a lot better with my clothes on.

I was on Gaydar one day searching all of men within my area and filtered out only users who described themselves as "muscled." One profile caught my eye of a man who looked like he was in pretty good shape. I saw his pictures and I could tell that the gym was definitely a hobby of his. His profile said he was 5'11, cut, and only drinks socially. So far, so good. I saw that he had an MSN so I decided to be a little more bold and IM him. I greeted him and gave him the link to my profile and he complimented me with a cute smile. Later we exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up.

It started off smoothly as he treated me to dinner and a few drinks. We even got a chance to see Chelsea Lately, which made him fall asleep. I have reason to believe he just wanted to go to the bedroom, which was fine by me. At this point he had been talking a lot, but I figured he was probably just like me: chatterbox with my clothes on and mute with my clothes off. However, as we started getting hot and heavy and taking our clothes off he still continued to speak. As I lay on my stomach he was performing oral sex and at the same time giving me an oral speech. I never felt so annoyed in bed.

I understand that there are times when people talk in the bedroom and I admit to saying a few words myself, such as "oh yeah," "faster," or my favorite, "here I come." Futhermore, I know there are some necessary questions that need to be answered before finishing sex, such as "what's that smell?" "Is that your boyfriend pulling up in the driveway?" or "Are those in-grown hairs or warts?" However, this guy would go on and on about the stupidest things. I've had guys ask me stupid questions that I can tolerate, such as "you like that?" Yes, I fucking like it. I'll be sure to let you know when you're doing something wrong, like trying to penetrate my belly button.

While I lay on my stomach he would run his tongue down my back and come back to whisper something in my ear. "There's a few Australian phrases I should teach you." At this point, he started to use his name so for the sake of not exposing who he is, I'm just going to call him Clueless. He would continue running his tongue down my back and said, "One of them is 'yes, Clueless.'" He continued to explore my body with his tongue and say, "Another one is 'please, Clueless." I was honestly two seconds away from saying, "How about 'take a sip of shut the fuck up, Clueless.'" but I restrained myself. He flipped me over onto my back and he said, "and the last one is 'more, Clueless." He began to give me head so I kept my hand firmly on the back of his head to prevent him from pausing to give me another presidential inauguration.

As I was coming close to climaxing, I was exaggerating my orgasms to make sure he knew I was about to erupt, but he still didn't discontinue giving me head. If only he was this quiet throughout the whole deed. I ejaculated into his mouth an within seconds he starts talking again. "You have no idea how badly I've wanted to do that to someone." I remained silent and in my head thought, "You have no idea how badly I enjoyed your silence."

I made my way to the bathroom to take a piss. As I finished up, I flushed the toilet and saw one of the most scariest things in his shower. There was a huge pile of dildos and sex toys on his shower floor. These were no average-6-inch-white-man-penis-sized dildos. These dildos were bigger than any black man I've ever had. Some of these toys were even fake molds of fists. Upon seeing this I couldn't help but blurt, "the fuck?!" I didn't exactly yell it, but it was loud enough for Clueless to hear and ask me if I was okay. Although I was okay at that moment, I wouldn't be much longer if I stayed to spend the night. Not that it was my dying wish to stay much longer, anyway, but I knew I had to do something.

"I'm fine, I just remembered I left my roommate locked out." He asked me how I knew she was locked out and I told him that she would be getting off work soon and would be waiting for me to open the door. "Well, isn't there 6 people who live in your house?" I forgot that I had told him that so I told him me and my roommate also had to go to the store." He asked me why I needed to go to the store so I played defensive and said, "Do you have to know everything about my life?" He was a little taken aback by the response and offered me a ride home. I accepted because the I figured the faster I get away from his shower, the better.

I made him drop me off around some building close to my house to make sure he wouldn't know where I lived. I didn't exactly take him for stalker, but I didn't want to risk walking down the street with a man chasing me with a rubber fist. As I stepped out of the car, I approached the nearest person near me and said, "Madeline! There you are! Have you been waiting long?" I happened to approach an Asian girl who was unresponsive to my act. I don't think she knew how to speak English, which actually worked towards my advantage. I turned around and waved Clueless goodbye and thanked him for the ride. Ling-ling continued to look at me, dumbfounded, and I just told her "That's how you run away from rubber penises." and walked away.

A Whore Is Born: How I Discovered Masturbation

When it came to my sex life, I grew up a late bloomer. During the last half of my high school years, I asked my guy friends when they first discovered masturbation and all of them remember being around eleven years old. I didn't have my first blast off until I was sixteen-and-a-half years old. To make matters worse, I have a feeling I would have discovered it much later if I wasn't bored at home under house arrest. I vandalized a high school near my house, which resulted in me spending my last days of summer vacation locked away in my room. I spent most of my time eating, sleeping, and watching TV. Luckily, I had my own room so it encouraged me to lock my door and masturbate upside down with my back against the wall if I wanted to.

A week before school started, I got all my textbooks from school and decided to start on some early reading, especially since I had nothing better to do with my life. As I sat at my desk at home reading about witch trials and Puritans, I rested my head in my hands and gave a big deep sigh. I thought to myself about how I would hate AP European History and who's dick I had to suck to pass the class. My mind transitioned into sex and I entertained myself with the idea of pleasuring myself. Conveniently, I was wearing black mesh shorts and easily reached my hand down my panties and started touching myself. After a while, I became erect and started to think of what the point of all of this was. I was sitting there, stroking myself back and forth and because I didn't know it would have helped to lubricate myself with spit, I thought at any point I could start a fire doing this.

At one point it began to feel a little more sensational and I knew this was what it was all about. I had my eyes closed and my mouth wide open. I could hear myself panting like a dog. I'm sure it wouldn't have mattered if I was panting like a dog or howling like a wolf, I probably wouldn't have stopped what I was doing. Finally, I achieved an orgasm and immediately opened my eyes and looked down at my penis only to see it completely dry. At this point I had seen Ben Stiller in his masturbation scene on There's Something About Mary and knew there had to be sperm somewhere. I looked under my desk and couldn't find anything. It didn't help that my carpet color was Jizz White. I began placing my hand on random spots of the floor and figured it would be the best way to find it. Finally, I felt a mucous fluid on my hand and the only way to describe my reaction is by watching the video below.