Ever since I moved to Sydney, I've befriended more men that are tops. In fact, I only have one friend here that is a power bottom. All of the rest are either versatile tops or strictly tops. As men who prefer to be tops they all have the same notion that being a bottom is simple. They think that all we have to do is just lay there and get penetrated the whole time. Well, this couldn't be any further from the truth. As pleasing as anal sex is, it comes with a great deal of stress at times, especially when done after eating Mexican food.
As a bottom, I try to be as beautiful as possible. I want to make myself seem divine, like my ass came straight out of heaven. I want men to think I fart glitter and shit gold, but obviously that will never happen. Often times during sex I find myself saying in my head, "Please don't fart... please don't fart... please please please..." and there are times that I fart, but luckily it happens after the stretching of my rectum so there is no actual noise made. If any noise is made it sounds like a hot breath hitting a window.
More frightening, there are times, when more than just a fart escapes me. Luckily, I haven't had a situation similar to a fire truck hose occur, but there are still events involving feces that leave me mortified. I've only had three major incidents like this happen. Incidents that I like to call "shit-cidents."
Shit-cident number one happened at a house party. Like every other time I attend a party, I was drunk and making a fool of myself. Not only was I being foolish, but slutty at the same time. For some reason I decide to show my slutty side more when I'm drunk. It's not that I become more slutty, because I'm sure I'm just as slutty when I'm sober, but instead, I become more uninhibited, making me less inclined to hide my sluttiness. Either way, I was talking to some Portuguese guy at the party and eventually one thing lead to another and we were naked in the bathroom. He was on his back and I was on top bouncing up and down and I suddenly had the urge to fart. Being drunk and uninhibited, I decided to pause the session.
"Hold on." I said. I waited for a fart to escape me and as it did, I felt something else escape me, as well.
"What was that?" asked Portuguese.
"What was what?" I asked. He got up to turn on the light and there it was on top of his pee pee. A ball of shit just sat there like a third testicle.
"You totally sharted on me!" yelled Portuguese. I couldn't help but laugh. At the same time, I was embarrassed and I couldn't let anybody know about this. I knew he was going to go out and tell all of his friends so I had to act quick. I ran out and started telling everyone that he wanted to take a shit and missed the toilet. I don't know if anyone actually believed me, but I felt relieved.
My second shit-cident happened in the shower after having sex with a random that I met on Gaydar. Shortly after achieving ejaculation, I decided to jump in the shower and clean the mess off of me. As I rinsed everything off, I began to rinse off the lube in and around my asshole. Like shit-cident number one, I felt a fart coming and sure enough a piece of shit fell from my asshole. Luckily, it wasn't a very big piece of shit, but it still didn't wanna go through the drain. I grabbed the closest thing near me, which happened to be a wooden stick and started jabbing at the shit. At this point only half of the shit went through the drain while the other half had just been spread throughout the rim of the drain.
"Mind if I join you?" said the man that I just had sex with. For the sake of anonymity let's just call him fire crotch. His entrance to the shower startled me. "Whoa, you ok?"
"Yeah, you scared me." I said. He grabbed the shower gel from the shower rack and started rubbing it all over his body.
"You wanna get my back?" asked fire crotch.
"Sure." I answered. With my left hand I began rubbing the shower gel on his back and with my right hand I kept trying to push the shit through the drain with the wooden stick. Finally, I managed to push most of the shit through the drain, however, there was still some shit on the stick.
"Can you hand me the luffa?" requested fire crotch. After examining the shit on the wooden stick, I realized that it was actually the luffa.
"I'm using it." I said. I managed to rinse some shit off of the luffa and I handed it to him. He began to scrub his back with the luffa and I saw him spreading some shit on his back, as well. "Let me do it!" I snatched the lufa from his hand and scrubbed the shit off of his back and quickly rinsed it off. As soon as I did that I left the shower, got dressed, and said I had to go. I never saw fire crotch again.
My last shit-cident happened at a hotel room after meeting a visitor from the bar. He and I had talked for a long time, but I don't remember what because I drank too much to have a functioning memory. He took me back to his hotel room where we had foreplay for the longest time. I appreciate foreplay because it allows me to warm up and get ready for the homerun, but if he's still motorboating my ass cheeks and I see the sun coming up, I figure the foreplay time is dragging on. We finally got around to intercourse but unfortunately it didn't last as long as the foreplay. After he climaxed, he went to the toilet to go throw the condom away and take a piss. This is when I took the opportunity to release all of the air from within my asshole so I don't feel bloated. However, along with the air that escaped me was a series of feces balls diluted in Extra-Wet Lube. I highly recommend that lube, by the way. Anywho, as soon as I felt the shit exit my body, I got up and looked around for places to hide the sheet. I threw off the first sheet and threw it under the bed. When I looked at the bed, I saw that the fitted sheet had also been stained by my inconvenient bowel movements. I took off the fitted sheet and also threw it under the bed. Luckily, the comforter wasn't on the bed while I was having sex so I threw that over the bed and started getting dressed. At this point I was still drunk from last night so my ideas were obviously not at their best.
He comes out of the bathroom and by the look on his face, it looked like he probably knew something was going on.
"Leaving already?" he asked.
"Yeah, I have to go to school." I lied. It was half true since I had school that day, but didn't have to for another 4 hours.
"Where are the bed sheets?" he asked. Shit. I had no idea what to say.
"Housekeeping came and took it." I said, finally. I'm sure he knew I was lying since I took so long to answer.
"I didn't even hear them knock." He said, looking confused.
"Me either. They just came in." I said. I sat on the bed and started putting my shoes on.
"What are you doing this week? You wanna catch up over coffee?" He asked.
"I hate coffee." I said. "I really gotta go. Call me."
"I don't have your number." he said.
"I put it in your phone." I lied. I exited the room, ran down the hallway and got in the elevator with relief. I took a good look at myself in the mirror in the elevator and told myself, "You're always gettin' yourself in the shittiest situations."
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