Dirty Talk: I Hate It When Men Talk During Sex

When I came to Australia I found out about this website called Gaydar, a site for gay men to meet each other so they can continue to fuck around. Like every other site for gay men, most users have photos of their private parts, which to me seems like such a turn off. I'd hate to join a chat room with one of those users and make it seem like I'm talking to two balls and a shaft. However, I must say it has quite a few attractive users. Most of which lie between the age of 29 to 45, which is fine by me because the last thing I need is another fairy my age who is just as selfish as I am. Like most old men who are planning their funeral, I tend to go after users that are definitely out of my league. I like a man with a big chest, and big arms, and a big butt to grab on to. I understand that with the way that I drink I may never be as attractive as they are, but still I continue to hunt them down.

As a bottom, one who is on the receiving end of anal intercourse, I tend to advertise my ass a lot more than I would my chest or arms. I like to believe that my best asset is my ass and it's probably the only thing I have going for me. If I was Asian, I would probably have a flat ass and be best friends with a cucumber. However, for a gay man, I seem very boring because I do not post nude photos of myself on any web site. It's not a matter of self-respect, because that diminishes every time I wake up next to a Mexican after a long day of happy hour. I believe it's more of a matter of remaining a mystery. I like men to think that when they see me with my clothes on there must be so much more to my ass than meets the eye. Truth is, I look a lot better with my clothes on.

I was on Gaydar one day searching all of men within my area and filtered out only users who described themselves as "muscled." One profile caught my eye of a man who looked like he was in pretty good shape. I saw his pictures and I could tell that the gym was definitely a hobby of his. His profile said he was 5'11, cut, and only drinks socially. So far, so good. I saw that he had an MSN so I decided to be a little more bold and IM him. I greeted him and gave him the link to my profile and he complimented me with a cute smile. Later we exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up.

It started off smoothly as he treated me to dinner and a few drinks. We even got a chance to see Chelsea Lately, which made him fall asleep. I have reason to believe he just wanted to go to the bedroom, which was fine by me. At this point he had been talking a lot, but I figured he was probably just like me: chatterbox with my clothes on and mute with my clothes off. However, as we started getting hot and heavy and taking our clothes off he still continued to speak. As I lay on my stomach he was performing oral sex and at the same time giving me an oral speech. I never felt so annoyed in bed.

I understand that there are times when people talk in the bedroom and I admit to saying a few words myself, such as "oh yeah," "faster," or my favorite, "here I come." Futhermore, I know there are some necessary questions that need to be answered before finishing sex, such as "what's that smell?" "Is that your boyfriend pulling up in the driveway?" or "Are those in-grown hairs or warts?" However, this guy would go on and on about the stupidest things. I've had guys ask me stupid questions that I can tolerate, such as "you like that?" Yes, I fucking like it. I'll be sure to let you know when you're doing something wrong, like trying to penetrate my belly button.

While I lay on my stomach he would run his tongue down my back and come back to whisper something in my ear. "There's a few Australian phrases I should teach you." At this point, he started to use his name so for the sake of not exposing who he is, I'm just going to call him Clueless. He would continue running his tongue down my back and said, "One of them is 'yes, Clueless.'" He continued to explore my body with his tongue and say, "Another one is 'please, Clueless." I was honestly two seconds away from saying, "How about 'take a sip of shut the fuck up, Clueless.'" but I restrained myself. He flipped me over onto my back and he said, "and the last one is 'more, Clueless." He began to give me head so I kept my hand firmly on the back of his head to prevent him from pausing to give me another presidential inauguration.

As I was coming close to climaxing, I was exaggerating my orgasms to make sure he knew I was about to erupt, but he still didn't discontinue giving me head. If only he was this quiet throughout the whole deed. I ejaculated into his mouth an within seconds he starts talking again. "You have no idea how badly I've wanted to do that to someone." I remained silent and in my head thought, "You have no idea how badly I enjoyed your silence."

I made my way to the bathroom to take a piss. As I finished up, I flushed the toilet and saw one of the most scariest things in his shower. There was a huge pile of dildos and sex toys on his shower floor. These were no average-6-inch-white-man-penis-sized dildos. These dildos were bigger than any black man I've ever had. Some of these toys were even fake molds of fists. Upon seeing this I couldn't help but blurt, "the fuck?!" I didn't exactly yell it, but it was loud enough for Clueless to hear and ask me if I was okay. Although I was okay at that moment, I wouldn't be much longer if I stayed to spend the night. Not that it was my dying wish to stay much longer, anyway, but I knew I had to do something.

"I'm fine, I just remembered I left my roommate locked out." He asked me how I knew she was locked out and I told him that she would be getting off work soon and would be waiting for me to open the door. "Well, isn't there 6 people who live in your house?" I forgot that I had told him that so I told him me and my roommate also had to go to the store." He asked me why I needed to go to the store so I played defensive and said, "Do you have to know everything about my life?" He was a little taken aback by the response and offered me a ride home. I accepted because the I figured the faster I get away from his shower, the better.

I made him drop me off around some building close to my house to make sure he wouldn't know where I lived. I didn't exactly take him for stalker, but I didn't want to risk walking down the street with a man chasing me with a rubber fist. As I stepped out of the car, I approached the nearest person near me and said, "Madeline! There you are! Have you been waiting long?" I happened to approach an Asian girl who was unresponsive to my act. I don't think she knew how to speak English, which actually worked towards my advantage. I turned around and waved Clueless goodbye and thanked him for the ride. Ling-ling continued to look at me, dumbfounded, and I just told her "That's how you run away from rubber penises." and walked away.